NOT POST MORTEM YET

After my heart ablation, I was elated my heart no longer wanted to 'drum' its way out my chest; however, there are complications and other problems with which to deal. Just one more thing to worry about; except heart rate is very high--blood pressure is low normal; not a good combination.

My case is no exception to heart and a myriad of other diseases. In case of open heart procedure, a much more dangerous surgery with possible complications, I have seen more than one patient survive and feel wonderful for a short period of time, then develop A-Fib.

The drudgery of test after test, social calendar of nothing but physician appointments, monotony of driving 32 mi round trip for cardiac rehab occur day after day. Then add a small burp of a cold, it adds more monotony to the routine.

Even though I am thought to be able to do daily routines like cook, wash clothes, housework, etc., I find myself limited in energy and desire to do so, but push myself to do what I can. When I fail my expectations, I am depressed, frustrated, even angry. I used to be able to do this.

We have a housekeeper every other week, so vacuuming, floors, dusting etc is pretty well under control. Thank God we can afford it.

Here is what I need to do today, none or which do I possess the 'want to do.' Remember some of these involve a 32 mi round trip to a larger town.

[Take shower and re-connect an event monitor I am wearing for a month before I start the day.]
1. Pick up order at Staples involving travel .
2. Change cell phone carrier--a rigamole that really requires a separate post as it involves a long historical record.
3. Exercise at hospital.
[above three are all in the nearby town-32 mi round trip]
4. Deliver a payment for my Telecare group to local bank.
5. Wash clothes, dry and fold. [some are sheets the folding of which wear me out as I am so short.]
6. Cook at least one meal for two, major problem finding one common ingredient two very different people need and LIKE.
7 .Empty dishwasher.
....And if any time is left I have outdoor pots to plant for spring.
Plus the TeleCare group I helped organize, I am in charge of daily operations, which involves a lot of headaches.

Plus I need to schedule yearly carpet cleaning sometime soon.

I am tired just thinking about this. If and when I sit down to enjoy a few minutes on computer, watch television, read my Kindle,etc. I fall asleep and have to watch for a re-run. I routinely watch Dance Moms--thank goodness next week, the previous week' program is rerun before the new program. This happened last night. Unfortunately football games are not usually rerun, which is no fun anyway, as I already know the outcome.

And the frustration I verbally take out on whoever will listen. I don't cry much, but the aggravation, burden and frustration is bringing me close to despair and have had severaa lumps in the throat.

The things I love do like photography are on the back-burner, and a trip to Texas to see family and bluebonnets has been postponed, but I hope gets done. My bucket list doesn't look like it will have any mark-offs.

What does husband do? I really don't know as I am too busy with what I perceive are my duties.

Today I wondered what the terms 'old as you feel,' 'old-timer,' 'old age,' 'ancient,' 'too old to cut the mustard anymore,' and similar but sometimes even less complimentary or demeaning terms mean--where am I on the scale of aging? 

Needless to say whatever is golden about age, I do not see today. Nor do I appear to be growing old 'gracefully'--whatever that term means.

I need counseling on growing old, but that would add to my social doctor calendar!!!

If you have some solutions..............

When I find time to post again, perhaps I will try to find one photo from our last vacation to show you. That may be it, too, as something will be calling me to do.